— 12 hours ago

i think i return back to this song at least once every two years. 

all time favorite song. all time favorite album. 

— 2 weeks ago
"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security."
~John Allen Paulos
— 2 weeks ago
tough sonoma day 🍷 (at Larson Family Winery)

tough sonoma day 🍷 (at Larson Family Winery)

— 5 months ago

the one year anniversary is the weirdest. 

lots of flashbacks.

tears hit me like a high-speed train yesterday out of nowhere (actually, while reading about the tax code on home improvements - ha). 

really miss my dad. sometimes i just feel like its so unfair, like i am way too young. like it sucks that he died before i made the changes in my life to be happy. like i want him to be proud of me. like its SO unfair. i miss his optimism and the way that he balanced my family out. it still tears me apart that he won’t be walking me down the aisle when my wedding day comes and i would have wanted him to see that day!

i know that he died knowing that i was making changes - he knew about leroy; i had just found out that i had gotten a new job, and my depression was [finally] under control. it just still seems so unfair.

and so strange - that he’s not here. mortality becomes so real when a loved one dies and it’s hard to not think about existence and purpose and to re-question everything.

miss you dad.

— 6 months ago

This man beside us also has a hard fight with an unfavouring world, with strong temptations, with doubts and fears, with wounds of the past which have skinned over, but which smart when they are touched. It is a fact, however surprising. And when this occurs to us we are moved to deal kindly with him, to bid him be of good cheer, to let him understand that we are also fighting a battle; we are bound not to irritate him, nor press hardly upon him nor help his lower self.
- “courtesy”, john watson

— 6 months ago

the following post will be admittedly introspective, but who cares - this blog is for my eyes and not for the pleasure of whoever comes across it

i’ve been thinking alot about life, value, how we value these things, how our priorities change. 

i suppose you could say that life is constant transformation, and that’s true - but i think we all need something to fixate on. without something to fixate on we feel lost, and that’s scary. 

unfortunately fixation can lead to unhealthy obsession, or isolation. 

this energy i put into work - what is it getting me?

would i be happier to ease up a bit, not now - but perhaps in a few years - to be okay with something a little bit less intense. to focus a little less on climbing quickly and a little more on building a reputation for myself of someone with genuine character. 

when am i truly happiest? is it when i am busy, or am i “happy” then because i feel like i am proving myself against others - is that happiness? can i re-frame what happiness is to me, to something healthier. god, to even type that gives me anxiety, i can feel my heart telling my chest telling my head - that won’t work, you aren’t wired that way. 

and maybe that’s true, i’m just mumbling, muttering. 

maybe we can’t predict what will make us happy - maybe it is ever changing. 

like turning a page. i won’t know until i get there. 

in the meantime, character development and enjoying the ride! haha

oh, and gratitude. always gratitude. 

i don’t have to have it all figured out but i do have to practice that. 

— 6 months ago

"Again and again I admonish my students both in America and Europe: ‘Don’t aim at success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run—in the long run, I say—success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.” - frankl

— 6 months ago
"May the warmth long persist when the light has dimmed away."
Viktor E. Frankl
— 7 months ago

"The first step in getting to our own redefinition of happiness is to tune out the cultural noise that encourages us to view our future paths as choices of finite, false extremes. We are more than the aggressive career woman whose ambition obliterates her maternal instincts, the earth mother who has traded in all her professional goals for Gymboree, or the Sex and the City Gal who is happy as long as she has a martini in her hand and Manolos on her feet. Isn’t it time we recognize that these are just archetypes and caricatures and that life never falls into these neat boxes? Why should we want it anyway?"

— 8 months ago
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Ralph Waldo Emerson (via theangrytherapist)

(via srhhnsn)

— 8 months ago with 4894 notes