the following post will be admittedly introspective, but who cares - this blog is for my eyes and not for the pleasure of whoever comes across it
i’ve been thinking alot about life, value, how we value these things, how our priorities change.
i suppose you could say that life is constant transformation, and that’s true - but i think we all need something to fixate on. without something to fixate on we feel lost, and that’s scary.
unfortunately fixation can lead to unhealthy obsession, or isolation.
this energy i put into work - what is it getting me?
would i be happier to ease up a bit, not now - but perhaps in a few years - to be okay with something a little bit less intense. to focus a little less on climbing quickly and a little more on building a reputation for myself of someone with genuine character.
when am i truly happiest? is it when i am busy, or am i “happy” then because i feel like i am proving myself against others - is that happiness? can i re-frame what happiness is to me, to something healthier. god, to even type that gives me anxiety, i can feel my heart telling my chest telling my head - that won’t work, you aren’t wired that way.
and maybe that’s true, i’m just mumbling, muttering.
maybe we can’t predict what will make us happy - maybe it is ever changing.
like turning a page. i won’t know until i get there.
in the meantime, character development and enjoying the ride! haha
oh, and gratitude. always gratitude.
i don’t have to have it all figured out but i do have to practice that.